Unexpected Olympic Lessons      

(Article first published for WTAD.COM 8/23/16. Bobbe writes weekly under “The White Pages!”)

    ryan hair                                                                                            

We expected doping allegations. We expected unfair judging. (Cough, Russian Boxers, Cough). We expected a few ballplayers to be caught in a brothel.(“Oh wow! We’re in a brothel? Who knew?”) But we didn’t expect The Ryan. America is still red-faced, both from embarrassment and anger that an athlete of this caliber could be such a dope. You really have to try. You really, REALLY have to try. But if these are some lessons we needed reinforced, then we were awarded some real gold, through Ryan’s immature behavior.

The lies. How long does it take a human to realize that concocted alibis just don’t hold water? And his mama believed. What a dopey mom she must now feel like. The truth is so much easier to retell over and over, than lies, especially when you’ve got a tag team of four dudes being asked to retell it. Mais oui, they had soggy brains from the French Hospitality House. Oh, please. Do you really think the French would over serve these guys to the point of stupidom? Maybe the hospitality houses were all lined up, like Frat Row, during recruitment week and Team Ryan crossed all 205 nations’ welcome mats. I would be surprised zee French would find zee boys funny, if they were this, how do you say, “kaboozled.”

The damage. If there’s one thing travelers need to remember it’s that we are guests in the host country, any time a shop, home or Shell station is entered. Damaged property is so junior high schoolish. By 6:00 a.m. how could any part of this not begin to look like a bad idea? A soap dispenser, a sign and a mirror. A trifecta in their foggy minds. Oh yeah, and the kicked in bathroom door. Impressive, you idiots. You make me want to spit on your Speedo.

The sacrifice.  If  Speedo and Ralph Lauren, among other sponsors, were lining my pockets handsomely, there wouldn’t be one day I’d awake and say, “Puhtooey on them!” It takes years to develop a good reputation and about one bathroom soap dispenser to destroy it. Beyond the reputation, though, is ALL. THAT. MONEY. He was set. During his swimming career and far beyond. Ryan was America’s Darling. Unfortunately, what you do in Rio, doesn’t stay in Rio. Or anywhere. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The hair. Ryan’s hair color was, in one word, ridiculous. Personally, swimmers hair is to die for, but not to dye for.  In an attempt to identify what product Ryan used to achieve his hair color, I researched the Clorox Company and here are my findings:   It might have been Tilex, by mistake: he was in the shower and thought it was shampoo. Or it might have been S.O.S. pads, as he had that blueish tint for a while. Then it seemed like Lochte’s Locks may’ve been doused with Pine-Sol, because of the green water tinge. That was weird.  Or perhaps, he used Clorox No-Drip Concentrate. But that would’ve made it whiter, wouldn’t it have?  THEN I FOUND THE PRODUCT. Scoop Away, super clump cat litter.  Because, clearly Ryan Lochte has (pardon my French) sh*t for brains.