Dog Gets The Gold

While you were enjoying the triple salchow, double Lutz, and twizzles, we were not. We had some Olympic events of our own. It all started when Lily White, the black Lab, sat at the top of our basement steps, looking down them, longingly. With barking. Lots and lots of barking. Assuming she had flipped her football over the gate, I walked down to retrieve it. The only thing I came up with was  wet, soppy socks. Apparently, our ice rink in the basement was filling (i.e. leaking) and had not frozen yet. ACK! So the semi-finals began:

1st event:  Mopping:  Like curling, but a broom won’t cut this mess. And bubbles. Lots and lots of bubbles. No more laundry in this arena. We must wear dirty uniforms for now. We couldn’t keep ahead of the seepage and defeated three shop vacs in the process. We are Home Depot’s customer of the month.

2nd event: Triple towel-wow. It finally makes sense why I keep oodles of raggedy towels. Trust me, just when you’re tempted to toss those towels, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT DISPOSE OF THEM. EVER.

3rd event: Double-Double Fantz: Our family members sleep with fans (not literally of course) but we did hear that several thousand condoms were distributed to those frisky athletes in the Olympic village. We always wondered what they did between events. I’m sorry, that was crude. Anyway, we hoped that we could dry out the carpets, but still didn’t know the source of the leak.

4th event: 4-man Bobsled:  The track and the trick was to haul ruined carpeting and soggy pad from the basement up the stairs, around the corner, down two steps, across the treacherously slick garage floor and into the bed of our pick-up truck. We hope our time is faster in the finals.

5th event: Half Pipe: this event involves buying a 25 foot sewer snake which winds down and around and up the pipe, hopefully at a force that blasts through the muckety-muck that has backed up my bubbles. (See #1)

6th  event: Super G Snake. Last night, Jeff rented the mother of all snakes – an 4 h.p. 75 foot thick sewer snake. It was like skis waxed with lightening! Ohhhhh, baby! He was actually quite excited about the prospect of beating the opponent. But after 4 hours of teamwork, we pulled out some ancient tree roots, probably from Greece – home of the first Olympics, and black oil. Make that sewage liquid. It was the sweet (I use that term lightly) smell of success. (Make that sewer gas.)

Finals tonight!  Hoping for a strong finish in the Super Snake tonight. Tree roots are kind of like cockroaches – where there’s one, there’s a million of them. We are pumped! We are tired.

Closing ceremonies: May be held at alternate site: the Laundromat. Or the chiropractor.

GOLD GOES TO LILY! Had she not tipped us off, we might be training for the 400 meter freestyle, forced to swim out of our mess. While everyone has left Sochi, or as Jeff calls it, Sushi, and eastern Europe, including the athletes, fans and Yanukovych, we shall play until the final drop has dripped.